I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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