she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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