I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
