Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
