i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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