Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
