If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
