my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize