nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
