My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
