All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
