i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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