How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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