I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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