So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
