Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
