There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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