Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
