i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Is it because I queefed?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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