I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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