Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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