I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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