Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
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