I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
BRING THE BAGELS
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
