Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
