All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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