doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
