im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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