Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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