This girl is more easily done than said...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
