Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I can't turn off my feet"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
