How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
