i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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