then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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