you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
