There was a lot of him and a little penis
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
