hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
