I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
