I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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