I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
