I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
