another moral hangover. fuck.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
