i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it's like iHOP with fire
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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