yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
