By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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