that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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