He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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