I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize