I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
