apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Who died my cat blue again?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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