i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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