Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
