I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
