mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
